Scenes from the Haak house...

Tyson: "mama, there's a bug on the floor!!"

Me: "no honey, that's just some dirt."

Tyson: "Mama, why don't you clean the dirt off the floor?"

Me: (exasperated), "Well, I try to keep the house clean but it's winter and everyone is tracking in mud on their boots and you put more food on the floor than in your mouth. Sometimes when I work and come home and am trying to cook a nutritious meal that you will probably never eat, I can't quite manage my time enough to get to the floors okay?"

Tyson: blank stare

Me: "stop judging."

Indoor fun

One of Tyson's many christmas gifts was a subscription to Highlights magazine (thanks mom!). I have many fond memories of Highlights so I was super excited when the first issue came. Since I am usually at a loss as far as keeping Tyson busy, I was even more excited to see there were some easy activities that we could tackle (meaning something easy enough for me to not screw up).

In order to make a crown you need some construction paper, a scissors, some tape and in our case, a boat load of stickers to make decorating fun.

Oh yeah, a pen helps to curl the edges if you wanna get fancy. Tyson was all about decorating with stickers but really wasn't sure about wearing the crown.

Luckily, Owen and Grace were all over it...

So Tyson decided to give it a try.

I was even peer pressured into making my own. (note: construction paper is not quite long enough for my large head)

Pros-we wasted a solid block of time doing something other than watching Little Einsteins. The kids had a great time.

Cons: there is now a picture on the internet of me looking this awesome. I grew up to be so cool.

That's what HE said...

Picture it, Christmas Eve 2010 (anyone else having a Golden Girls flashback yet? Sophia Petrillo anyone?). My family is sitting in a pew for Christmas mass while Tyson makes it abundantly clear to everyone how often (read: not very) we actually make him sit through church. (I would like to take a moment to apologize to my mother. The person who sent me oodles and oodles of Holy Water when I was in Iraq. I never did figure out what to do with it all as I had no baptisms or exorcisms to perform). In my defense, I work every other weekend and when we do become organized enough to go, we typically let Tyson hang out in the staffed play room in hopes of avoiding situations like the one I'm about to describe.

Anyway, so things start out like this: Tyson is thoroughly enjoying the pre-service music by dancing up a storm. Anyone watching would have thought ACDC was playing instead of O Holy Night. Then, he somehow lost one of his toys and decided to do his impression of an inchworm to crawl under three pews to get it while making sure to smile up at every new face he met. Super. Finally things get started and Tyson is sitting still. Then...

Tyson: Mama, (while pointing to the crucifix), why is there a sideways X up there?

Me: honey that's a cross.

Tyson: who's on the cross?

Me: That's Jesus.

Tyson: That silly Jesus!!!

While this is happening, you must imagine all of the sideways glances we are receiving that clearly portray the disgust that my kid doesn't recognize Jesus by site, or understand why he is on the cross. (Come on people, we're obviously waiting until Easter for that discussion. Now is the time to stumble through the virgin birth story in hopes of avoiding any sort of question regarding the birth or the making of babies). The rest of the service was spent walking in and out and in and out of church with a little time spent hiding in the bathroom in hopes that an extra wall would muffle his volume.

I'm betting that 2011 will be even more entertaining.

Let me entertain you...

I realize it's now the middle of January and I have yet to post anything about the holidays that doesn't involve somebody's bodily functions. This video pretty much sums up what it's like to spend Christmas with a toddler who is just grasping what this season is all about. The first part is his Christmas program from his daycare/our church (they happen to be at the same place) which is followed by Tyson singing his program song by himself and then another little ditty to make everyone smile. I originally had thought that recording Tyson singing his song alone would help everyone to understand the words a little better but realized that it may be difficult without his translator (read: mommy). Enjoy.

P.S.-yes that is Tyson squealing. That was the sound of him realizing a large room full of people were looking at him. Yes, he's also the one that bowed and prompted everyone to keep clapping. I have no idea where he gets these traits.

P.P.S-soon to come, a description of the loud discussion regarding Jesus that takes place during Christmas eve mass. (spoiler alert: the story ends with Tyson yelling "that silly Jesus!")

The Shiznit

Could also be titled: "everybody poops"

I'm finally feeling well enough to post but I may have to warn you that things could get graphic up in here. I've spent the majority of my life over sharing and since it's not on my new year's resolution list to change that particular habit, game on. Honestly people, I do not remember the last time I was that sick. Between the cold/flu and the stomach virus that simultaneously took over my body, I was down for the count. Most of my time was split between praying for a big anvil to be dropped on my head like a cartoon and trying to remember to squeeze my butt cheeks together every time I had a coughing fit in hopes to avoid testing the true absorbency of my mattress pad. Jason slept in the basement for a week because my ears were the only orifice on my body with nothing spewing from it.

As awful as this all sounds, there were some good points. I was lucky enough not to have to worry about how many holiday treats I consumed once my stomach finally stopped rejecting food. Also, it turns out that those two viruses combined = one hell of a workout. Throw away those Shape Ups ladies! Between all of the butt squeezes and constant heaving and/or coughing, you will be left with a flat stomach with an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. Any takers? I wasn't a marketing major in college but I'm guessing this workout would be a hard sell. The last positive spin was the fact that due to the horribly unclean state of our house after all of this, Jason promptly purchased the steam cleaner that I've been wanting forever. Yeah!

As long as we're in the realm of poop (ps-between my job as a nurse and my life as a mother, I am always in the realm of poop. It consumes approximately 87.6% of my life), we can discuss the fact that Tyson has potty trained!!! Once he decided it was something he wanted to do, the transition was actually easier that I expected. Of course, there was a lot of extra laundry and many many (many!) hours spent sitting in the bathroom teaching Tyson the art of pointing the penis down (because Jason was obviously not the one to do it...this was woman's work. Tyson's future wife, you're welcome), and coaching him on how to properly stock the bathroom with reading material. I was worried about our long trip home for Christmas and just really hoping that between the two of us, the minivan would not have to be professionally cleaned at the end of it. Luckily, it all went well and everyone stayed dry. Not even a wardrobe change was needed. I call that a success.