The Shiznit

Could also be titled: "everybody poops"

I'm finally feeling well enough to post but I may have to warn you that things could get graphic up in here. I've spent the majority of my life over sharing and since it's not on my new year's resolution list to change that particular habit, game on. Honestly people, I do not remember the last time I was that sick. Between the cold/flu and the stomach virus that simultaneously took over my body, I was down for the count. Most of my time was split between praying for a big anvil to be dropped on my head like a cartoon and trying to remember to squeeze my butt cheeks together every time I had a coughing fit in hopes to avoid testing the true absorbency of my mattress pad. Jason slept in the basement for a week because my ears were the only orifice on my body with nothing spewing from it.

As awful as this all sounds, there were some good points. I was lucky enough not to have to worry about how many holiday treats I consumed once my stomach finally stopped rejecting food. Also, it turns out that those two viruses combined = one hell of a workout. Throw away those Shape Ups ladies! Between all of the butt squeezes and constant heaving and/or coughing, you will be left with a flat stomach with an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. Any takers? I wasn't a marketing major in college but I'm guessing this workout would be a hard sell. The last positive spin was the fact that due to the horribly unclean state of our house after all of this, Jason promptly purchased the steam cleaner that I've been wanting forever. Yeah!

As long as we're in the realm of poop (ps-between my job as a nurse and my life as a mother, I am always in the realm of poop. It consumes approximately 87.6% of my life), we can discuss the fact that Tyson has potty trained!!! Once he decided it was something he wanted to do, the transition was actually easier that I expected. Of course, there was a lot of extra laundry and many many (many!) hours spent sitting in the bathroom teaching Tyson the art of pointing the penis down (because Jason was obviously not the one to do it...this was woman's work. Tyson's future wife, you're welcome), and coaching him on how to properly stock the bathroom with reading material. I was worried about our long trip home for Christmas and just really hoping that between the two of us, the minivan would not have to be professionally cleaned at the end of it. Luckily, it all went well and everyone stayed dry. Not even a wardrobe change was needed. I call that a success.

yowza

So there I was, having the usual mealtime struggles with Tyson that occur when trying to feed him non-orange foods. I believe that day I had the audacity to try to mix his peas in with his carrots and he was quickly catching on to my little trick. He casually let out a couple of grunts (which happens a lot at our house...he's not very discreet as of yet) and immediately started screaming bloody murder. His hatred for messy pants is nothing new so I unbuckled the harness in his high chair and scooped him up to head for the changing table while simultaneously thinking "jeez kid, calm down." I soon realized why he was crying so hard when I discovered that we were both now completely covered in poop. Apparently behind those grunts was some fantastic power because the velocity that was created shot clear down to the tips of his toes...literally. And it's not as though credit can be given to gravity as he was seated...not standing. So Tyson got a bath immediately and was changed into his pajamas by 3PM. Of course then I had to call my mom for tips on how to get poop out of clothing...though thinking back I should have just called the laundry department at the hospital. I think with the volume I was dealing with they would have had better tips. I have been a nurse for about 6 years now so I have had to deal with my fair share of yuck and this was astonishing even to me. I realize that not everyone wants to hear about such sticky situations but it was a pretty funny scene so of course I had to write about it. Here's to hoping to a cleaner day.